Monday, May 17, 2010

Pizza. Pizza.

I moved this weekend. Spending all of Saturday picking up couches, chairs, desks and beds did much more than tone my muscles and leave me sore throughout all of Sunday (especially considering I decided to go for my daily three-mile jog earlier in the day. How stupid can I be?) Being incredibly tired and worn down after a hot Saturday afternoon/evening that I found myself covered in sweat and dirt, what was the best way to celebrate? A bottle of wine, pizza and chicken wings, of course.

Though the pizza came from a local shop that happens to be the best in town, simply chowing down on a couple pieces made me begin to ponder the following: Who makes the best fast-food, chain-style pizza? The question forced me into ordering from Dominoes Sunday evening just to get that brand new taste back into my mouth one more time before this post was written.

Why? That's because there are really only four major contenders in this discussion. And those are, in no particular order: Dominoes, Pizza Hut, Papa Johns and (taking it way back) Lil Caesars (also, as a side, if they would still let adults into Chuckie Cheese, that pizza would have to be up for consideration, as well. Haven't had it in decades but man, memories of their pies are filled with fabulous-ness).

The verdict? Still don't know. Which is why we present you, the fantastically pretty reader, with the matter at hand. To help, we decided to break down each candidate for you. Please note that none of these are considered with either chicken wings or breadsticks (because let's be honest, if breadsticks were added into the point system, Pizza Hut would run away with the gold). So much pizza. So many decisions....

Pizza Hut

Only take the Personal Pan, well, er, personally. But that's only because it's hard to really find a pizza of theirs that's any good. The Natural was the best, but even that didn't last long, and, for that matter, wasn't worth writing home about. Why even consider Pizza Hut then? Well that's because they quite possibly offer the best cold pizza. Let that stuff sit for a few hours and what you have is the best late-night snack any fast-food lover could stumble across. Plus, they have an iPhone app, silly. How neat is that?


The new crust is probably the best quick crust in the business (and by the business, I mean the industry, of course). That garlic-y taste is super tasty, especially when you consider the cardboard it replaced. Being someone who doesn't much care for the entire notion of cheese, though, sometimes Dominoes offers up a bit too much of the topping, even when you ask for a simple "plain" pizza. Saving grace? The jalapeno the potheads working behind the counter now give away with each pie. Because hot juice never hurts, that takes a C-grade to a B-, if nothing else.

Papa Johns

Last had a pizza from this outlet after spending an entire day drunk on Miami Beach. Thoughts? Utterly underwhelming. And that, friends, was a complete disappointment. Up to that point, my head was filled with lovely Papa Johns memories, loving the crust and thinking they had just the right amount of ingredients throughout. Instead, I felt as though I was eating paper. And I was drunk. And I was in Miami. Had that sitting on a tee, ready to smash out of the park, and they still botched it. Probably the worst of the group, for my money, at least.

Lil Caesars

Ever go to one of those Lil Caesars stores that seem to be stuck in some chain of another store (i.e., K-Mart, etc.)? Then, have you ever tried a slice that has been sitting for hours upon hours? And finally, have you ever walked away more pleasantly surprised after eating what you thought would be an awful piece of pizza? Exactly. The underdog, Lil Caesars is a chain you can never count out. Now (and why other chains haven't been smart enough to figure this out is beyond me), they have drive-thru service that allows you go drive up to the window, order the pizza on the spot, and have them give you the pie right there, within a matter of two minutes. I mean, goodness. It takes longer to make an Angus burger. Still not sold? Fine, but you don't have a soul if you aren't smiling when you think of these commercials and the little dude that creeps his way into the shot during the end...


  1. Papa John's pizzas with the toppings under the cheese are so-so, but when they started to put the pepperoni on the outside a few years ago, that was an amazing pizza.

  2. I hate Pizza Hut. It's absolutely disgusting; just drenched in grease. I hate greasy pizza. I just overheard a conversation about chain pizza earlier today, and everyone involved agreed that Pizza Hut is the worst. If I had to pick one, I'd say Dominoes is the best, although I haven't had it in a while. Actually, I haven't had pizza in forever, and now you're making me crave it. Dammit.

    (I have a feeling Colin wrote this post. If he did: Where'd you move to? Are you still in Punxsy?)

  3. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Forgot: Lil Caesars breadsticks are a close second. Easy.

  4. Or I can just make you a homemade pizza that will be better than any chain. Quote me! Do it!

  5. I don't know man. Homemade pizzas don't always turn out the best.

  6. all i am gonna say is you haven't had mine :)