Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I love the Food Network. Yeah I said it.

To paraphrase one of my favorite comedians Jim Gaffigan, the Food Network is like porn when you’re hungry. I would argue that you don’t even need to be hungry, but that’s just how I roll. Don’t hate.

It’s become somewhat of a tradition of mine to torture myself nightly by turning on the Food Network as I’m lying in bed trying to fall sleep. And while I could probably give you a 5,000 word essay on the sociological impact of the Network as a whole (yes, I’m that passionate), I felt a list of the main personalities (according to foodnetwork.com) and my opinions of each may be more apropos.

No particular order mind you - here’s who I love, who I could do without and why.

Love: Bobby Flay
If you put me on the spot and told me I had to pick a favorite Food Network personality, it would be this ginger-kid gone great. I love his recipes, I love that he loves to barbecue and I lovelovelove his show “Throwdown” – although I don’t like it when he wins; that’s just mean Bobby, stop. Side note: I feel like this dude could drink us all under the table as well – which is awesome.

Do Without: Paula Deen
I think I’m in the minority here, but everything from her accent to her recipes are over the top. And what casual cook uses three lbs. of butter with every dish?

Love: Guy Fieri
I know, I know, he’s cheesy, a bit cliché and I get the feeling he would be that guy at the party who has one or two drinks then jumps in the pool with his clothes on, not because he’s drunk but because he digs the attention. His look is ridiculous (and that’s being nice) and his cooking show is… eh. But to me he seems about as genuine as the mom and pop restaurant shop owners he visits on “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.”

Do Without: Sandra Lee
Everything I said about Guy Fieri, reverse it, and that’s how I feel about this chick. She comes across as the Martha Stewart of the Food Network – and that’s not a compliment. I do like some of her recipes on “Semi-Homemade Cooking” though.

Love: Alton Brown
Geeks are in and this guy is the nerd movement’s executive chef. Who doesn’t want to know the chemical makeup of yeast anyways?

Indifferent: Giada De Laurentiis and Rachael Ray

I put these two together because my grandmother has told me on several occasions that they both need to stop wearing such low cut tops if they’re going to be leaning over counters and burners all day. That and I think they’re both pretty boring also.

Jury’s Still Out: The Neelys
I’m very hot and cold on this sometimes adorable, sometimes repulsive couple and their public displays of affection. I like the recipes for the most part, I like that they’re high school sweethearts and I think I like them… but I just can’t be sure.


Don’t forget to catch a Ride with us at 4 p.m.


  1. The Food Network is like crack...can't get enough of it, Iron Chef? Amazing stuff.

    Also have to give you guys credit for mentioning An Education, Samm and I rented it this weekend and couldn't have been happier with the choice...beautiful film!

  2. Iron Chef is sweet, but I feel like it raises my blood pressure to unhealthy levels... come to think of it, Iron Chef gives my insides the same feeling as when I'm watching UFC.

    Do you like the other Food Network reality/competition shows, like "Dinner Impossible" and "Chopped"?

  3. Good lookin' out, man. Carey Mulligan is the best. She's an absolute doll in that movie.

  4. I officially watch too much of Food Network: Throwdown, Dinner: Impossible, Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives, The Next Food Network Star, Chopped, Chefs vs. City, Glutton For Punishment, Iron Chef America, Ultimate Recipe Showdown, The Next Iron Chef, Worst Cooks In America. I'd have to say that D:I and Chopped are my favorites.

    I could care less about Paula and never watch Sandra. I'm not that big a fan of Alton though. But Giada is gorgeous. She can wear whatever she wants.

    And UFC rules.

  5. Well of course I have thoughts on the Food Network.

    Number 1...If Sandra Lee could be taken off the network I would be one happy girl. I hate her - I hate that she takes so many shortcuts and uses prepackaged foods. Making meals for friends and family isn't about taking short cuts all the time Ms. Sandra Lee - have another cocktail you lush!!!

    Number 2...rant about Sandra is over!

    Number 3...I completely agree about my sweet ginger Bobby Flay. He has amazing recipes and damn I love a good throwdown too!!

    Number 4...those Neely's are adoreable and I am not gonna lie, I want my future husband (whever you are) to talk about "my sugar" as much as Mr. Neely does.

    Number 5...I love Alton...probably because of his qwerky ways but the root of all his recipes are actually fantastic. Some of my best baking ones are actually his...go figure!

    Number 6,7,8...Paula - sorry you're a doll but I don't think much of your show or your recipes. Giada - eye candy with that cleveage but the fact that you use nearly the same ingredients for everything you make annoys me. Marscapone anyone? And Rachel...you were all the rage with your EVOO but now I think this fire is out. I think I'd like to have a beer and a burger with her though...I think she'd be a fun bar friend.

    Number 9...Can you tell I watch a lot of the network and have a thing for food? Yeah...

    Number 10...Guy used to really annoy me and maybe he still does but I really get sucked into watch Tripe D. And I really like it. Ok...there you have it. The truth of it all.

  6. Ha, awesome stuff!

    @. - I think as long as you're not DVR-ing a Food Network show, you're not technically obsessed. I have to disagree about Dinner:Impossible though. That host really annoys me and I guess I'm missing the practicality of making dinner for 300 people out of food one could find in a dorm room, ha. I'm up and down with Chopped. I like the cooking and whatnot, but I don't care about the in-fighting and backgrounds so much. Giada is pretty. UFC gives me butterflies in my tummy. The End.

    @AMZ - You rock, move back to PA. :) But seriously, the Giada comment about Marscapone was so right on! And ok, I think you're right about Rachael Ray - she would be pretty cool to hang out with, as long as she doesn't try to grab like eight beers from the fridge to carry to the table at one time (get it, get it?!).

  7. Oh and one more thing: Has anyone else ever wanted to seriously take a road trip to the spots featured on Triple D? I've legitimately thought about doing it... and that's....ok... right?

  8. The host of Dinner: Impossible is amazing. He could squash both of us with his right pinky.
    The amazingness (I know, not a word) of the show is the fact that he can make such great food out of nothing. Plus, as much as he can act like an asshole (often), he's very likable.

    And yes, I DVR all those shows, mostly because I work nights and rarely get to see them live. Plus, for as much as I like them, why would I want to miss an episode?

    I like the urgency of Chopped, and yes, the bickering on the show is a bit annoying, but it is exciting to watch them cook quickly and create something more-often-than-not above average.

    The sad part of all of this is after years of watching all these shows, I have not tried to learn anything or apply it to cooking for myself. I still eat fast food based on the cheapness and quickness.

    I lose.

    P.S. -- I get the grabbing of eight beers joke, haha. Good stuff. I feel like a Food Network nerd.

  9. @... - Wow, that's commitment. I never DVR them because I know they'll be reran a dozen times... otherwise I might.

    I thought I remembered hearing that the Dinner:Impossible host was a fraud or something, not that it affects his ability to be a polarizing (albeit annoying to me) television personality.

    No shame in being a Food Network nerd, ha.

  10. if Rachel could successfully grab 8 beers from the fridge without dropping any of them I might be impressed or I just might try to tickle her to see if she could hold on to them all. silly girl...there is nothing wrong with going back to the fridge or pantry of few times...maybe her ass wouldn't be so big if she did. Oh shiiiiit...did I just rip on Rachel. GASP!!!!

    Oh and perhaps a move back to PA will happen...I need to conquer the nation's capitol first though!!!

  11. Good call on that ass, ha! Although I admit she is as cute as 10 or 12 buttons in my book. Nothing wrong with a girl who isn't afraid to eat - she's like a refreshing oasis in the desert of skin and bones on T.V.

    I'll leave my soapbox right here if anyone would like to borrow it.

  12. That's a lot of buttons...