Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Birds.

I was sitting on my porch the other day, tired and sweaty, having just gotten back from a run in 1,000-degree weather, when I noticed a bird walking back and forth in front of me. The thing was sort of pretty. That’d be nice to be a bird, I thought. Just chillin’ out, here and there. You can fly anywhere at anytime and you don’t have to pay those stupid carry-on-bag fees. You get can get your boys and form these crazy formations in the air, creating some weird type of animal art that people tend to gush over. And your poop is white. White poop is neat.

I came inside to run the idea past one of my roommates, who responded with a notion about birds I had never thought of. “They are just like humans,” he said. “They look all unassuming and passive, but they aren’t, really. It’s just a ploy to lure other birds in to mate. They look all pretty with their colors and they secretly flaunt what they offer with the songs they sing, but they are just like us. It’s all a ploy.”

He’s right, I thought. My mind then wandered to its human counterpart, and I quickly came away with the analogy that birds are much like the shy quiet dude in the corner who wears a tight shirt to show off his muscles. It’s a ploy. He knows you’re looking, but he wants to act humble because showcasing humility is always attractive. But in reality, it’s all planned. It’s all designed to get him to appear more interesting than he probably is, much like this bird had me thinking the same things about it.

Birds kind of freak me out, actually. Never, ever, ever got into science throughout any of high school or college, and I really don’t understand the appeal they have to those who seem to love this kind of stuff. They seem nice enough, and there are a few birds I dig (Larry, Lady, Big and Andrew, to name a few), but when you take one look at this…

…you can’t help but shutter at the thought of a bird turning against you.

I concluded I don’t like birds, in spite of the color, or purpose they apparently serve (eating bugs). Then I thought the following: I don’t really know anybody who likes birds, either. Do you like birds? Do you know anybody who likes birds? Do you have any other feeling towards birds other than indifference? You should, but if you don’t watch out, you could fall victim to something like this…


  1. I think any time I've seen a guy showing off his muscles in a tight shirt at a bar he's definitely not been the quiet, shy one in the corner. He's usually the obnoxious jerk with one-drink-too-many in his system, making rude comments about the bartender and grabbing girls' asses as they walk by.

  2. Well played. Good point. Very good point. I'm trying to think of something a bit more intelligent, but I absolutely can not get over America's win. Still. Good point.

  3. I'm actually deathly afraid of birds. One time I went on a class field trip to the National Aviary when I was in third grade (I don't know why my parents didn't keep me home, since they knew how scared of birds I was), and I freaked out. I can't even think about birds without shuddering.

  4. Whenever things don't work out with you and a girl, I'll tell you that there are plenty of "birds in the air," instead of the old stand-by of "fish in the sea."

  5. Wow. Two depressing comments since I last checked. First, a child forced to deal with birds when they are clearly going to kill all human kind some day and take over the world. And the next a reminder that I'll have my heart broken someday. Come on, now. That said, yes, I'll probably have my heart broken someday, and yes, birds are the scariest things ever. You guys win.