I was sitting on my porch the other day, tired and sweaty, having just gotten back from a run in 1,000-degree weather, when I noticed a bird walking back and forth in front of me. The thing was sort of pretty. That’d be nice to be a bird, I thought. Just chillin’ out, here and there. You can fly anywhere at anytime and you don’t have to pay those stupid carry-on-bag fees. You get can get your boys and form these crazy formations in the air, creating some weird type of animal art that people tend to gush over. And your poop is white. White poop is neat. I came inside to run the idea past one of my roommates, who responded with a notion about birds I had never thought of. “They are just like humans,” he said. “They look all unassuming and passive, but they aren’t, really. It’s just a ploy to lure other birds in to mate. They look all pretty with their colors and they secretly flaunt what they offer with the songs they sing, but they are just like us. It’s all a ploy.”
He’s right, I thought. My mind then wandered to its human counterpart, and I quickly came away with the analogy that birds are much like the shy quiet dude in the corner who wears a tight shirt to show off his muscles. It’s a ploy. He knows you’re looking, but he wants to act humble because showcasing humility is always attractive. But in reality, it’s all planned. It’s all designed to get him to appear more interesting than he probably is, much like this bird had me thinking the same things about it.
Birds kind of freak me out, actually. Never, ever, ever got into science throughout any of high school or college, and I really don’t understand the appeal they have to those who seem to love this kind of stuff. They seem nice enough, and there are a few birds I dig (Larry, Lady, Big and Andrew, to name a few), but when you take one look at this…
…you can’t help but shutter at the thought of a bird turning against you.
I concluded I don’t like birds, in spite of the color, or purpose they apparently serve (eating bugs). Then I thought the following: I don’t really know anybody who likes birds, either. Do you like birds? Do you know anybody who likes birds? Do you have any other feeling towards birds other than indifference? You should, but if you don’t watch out, you could fall victim to something like this…
