Scream and light up the sky.

Came across this tweet once the grill had finally relinquished and the holiday patriotism faded Monday night. Not only is Dwight from "The Office" right, but I'm about to take his sentiments a few steps further.

I defy you, the wonderfully intelligent reader, to name a time you ever saw a fireworks display that you considered mind-blowing, world-stopping, or awe-inspiring. It hasn't happened. Ever. What? That half-hour on top of the parking garage left you with more of a feeling of fulfillment than it did a stiff neck? Not a chance. Sure the lights can be pretty, but, as a dear friend of mine recently told me, how is the phrase "Once you've seen one display, you've seen them all" not the first thing that comes to mind when pondering fireworks?

Me? I spent yet another holiday feeling sadder than a Morrissey box set, only this time, it was centered around waiting light years for a fireworks display to finally begin as I sat outside of a tiny-town carnival that featured a non-working dunk tank as its major attraction. Well, that and a gigantic slide that I swear some overweight three-year-old fell off of before the night was over.

No more than seven minutes into the set, I actually said aloud the following: Have you ever seen a fireworks display that didn't go 25 minutes longer than you were hoping? Exactly. Why can't these technical geniuses consider a three-minute display (and yes, that includes a grand finale)? How many times do you need to see the bright one hurt your eyes? How often does the loud one need to go BOOM! for you to consider your fireworks-watching experience complete? And for God's sake, how many times does the idiotic, no-brain crowd need to erupt in applause in a manner suggesting the president is lurking around the corner before they realize the display isn't over yet?

Face it: The only time fireworks are ever interesting is when something goes terribly wrong (look for it around the minute mark)...