Miss Universe pageant brings laughter into at least one home… mine

For the last couple years, my wife and I have created a new tradition in our house where we watch the annual Miss Universe pageant, place little bets on who will win and then poke fun at the proceedings. Typically, the question and answer portion of the program garners the most sarcastic comments, and last night was no exception.

And let me throw in a disclaimer here: we have nothing against this whole pageant thing. We just like to bust chops. And we’re equal opportunity chop-busters - you can ask anyone.

Anyways, if you were one of the many unfortunate people who missed out on this trainwreck, let me break it down for you… and PS, this is paraphrased from my memory. It was so good I don’t even need to look it up for reference.

Judge (to Miss Philippines): What is one major mistake you’ve made in your life and what did you do to rectify it?
Miss Philippines (to the judge, the audience and the world): “You know, I’ve never made any major, major mistakes in my life, so I just want to thank you and everyone for the opportunity to be here today!

And yes, the exclamation point is there because she ACTUALLY sounded excited by her response. That’s right, in her head, she nailed it.

Needless to say, Miss Philippines did not win the fun little bedazzled crown this year – that honor went to Miss Mexico, who looked strangely not Mexican in my opinion, but I digress. She is the only one of the final five that gave a response that was hard to pick on.

Other highlights from this part of the show included:
- Miss Jamaica saying only one person has the right to end a life, and that person is God.
- Miss Ukraine sounding like a scary robot character from a Tim Burton film
- Miss Australia assuming (in a way-too loud and excitable voice) that everyone has the freedom to choose their religion, and how one of our unalienable rights is the right of fashion…

There are several confusing elements to this competition:

1. On what criteria are the judges chosen? Does the brilliant thespian William “Billy” Baldwin have some kind of background in finding/understanding the subtle nuances of “true beauty?” Does Gold Medal Winning Figure Skater Evan Lysacek have a pedigree for comprehending the correct way a certain dress should look on a certain woman? Come on folks, isn’t this all just personal opinion?

2. Is there specific criteria for why Miss A scored a 7.657 on the swimsuit portion of the show, while Miss B nailed it with an 8.493?

3. Was the competition always a two-hour infomercial for Chi haircare products?

4. Why the hell didn’t Miss Ireland and Miss Guatemala make the final five?

Until next time, friends, come on back at 4 p.m. for The Ride.