Tuesday, August 31, 2010

“Dancing With The Stars” contestants announced - It’s all downhill from here.

Hello friends/readers (in that order) – a little apology is due. Last Thursday I neglected to post for our regular noontime rant about the lesser important things in life. And while I wish I had some dramatic, tug-at-the-heartstrings excuse for you – like I was rescuing a group of girl scouts from a burning building or concocting the cure for the common cold – alas, my reason for abandoning my post (get it, get it?!) was barely noteworthy…

I thought it was Wednesday. Seriously. Ever have one of those days?

Either way, this is me offering my sincerest apology. You can send virtual bags of dog doodoo to my virtual front porch in the form of comments… or you can reassure me and tell me you’re CURRENTLY having one of those days. I’ll still love you either way. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

ABC recently announced the lineup for this season’s “Dancing With The Stars,” and I must say it’s a pretty intriguing one to me. This show has seemed to develop an odd respect in the entertainment industry – it can clean the slate of someone with a less than reputable past, it can revive the career of a former star and it can introduce a niche celebrity to the masses.

For those reasons, I find the selection of the “Stars” to be much more interesting than the show itself. Truth be told, I haven’t watched a full episode in a few seasons now, but I eagerly await the blogs and stories that stem from it (the romance, betrayals and scandals, oh my!).

So onto the task at hand: Below are this year’s “Stars” and a little diddy about each. Of course your comments are much more valuable than the words I have to write, so please, give your thoughts.

Florence Henderson
As long as the former Carol Brady isn’t extremely rhythmically-challenged, she should do great in this competition. She’ll get the mom/grandma vote, the “lets vote for the old lady” vote and the nostalgia vote. Look for her to go deep into the season and land more than a few show/movie offers afterward. Maybe the next Betty White?

Kurt Warner

Much like his football playing counterparts in the past (Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice, NOT Chad Ochocinco), this former Arizona Cardinals QB should do great. He’s got the good looks, I’m sure he’s pretty nimble and a great rags-to-riches back-story. He’ll get the man vote, the ESPN vote and the “he’s come so far” vote.

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

Yuck. If rumors about this “Jersey Shore” cast member are true, the DWTS crew will need to stock up on Febreeze and air fresheners. I don’t like him going too far in the competition, unless by some freak chance he’s a really good ballroom dancer… can’t wait to see how he works showing his abs into his routines (sarcasm). He’ll get the MTV vote, the meathead vote and the “lets bang chicks” vote… so maybe he’ll go farther than I think.

Bristol Palin
The jury’s out on this chick. She’s been so hot and cold in the media over the last couple years, it’s hard to say if she’ll get viewers’ sympathy or vengeance. She’ll probably get the republican vote, the teenage pregnancy vote and the “I feel bad for the freak show life she’s had” vote.

Michael Bolton
“Why don’t you change your name to Mike? – Why should I change? He’s the one who sucks.” “For my money it doesn’t get any better than when he belts out ‘When a Man Loves a Woman’… I celebrate the guy’s entire catalog.” Ah “Office Space,” how you bring such joy into my life. Bolton will do OK; he’ll get the secretary vote and the former heartthrob vote. If he can poke some fun at his old hairstyle he’ll do even better.

Margaret Cho
This comedian-actress probably won’t do too great. She looks like she has very little coordination and she’s never had a huge following to my knowledge. But she’ll get the funny vote and maybe the underdog vote. Eh.

Rick Fox
The former LA Laker could be a sleeper. Like I said with Warner, athletes seem to do pretty well in this competition, and LA is a pretty big market if he’s still popular there. He’ll get the NBA vote and the weird facial hair vote.

Jennifer Grey

Ummm… she’ll do good… she’s a lady… she’s probably kind of attractive… all right I’m busted. I know nothing about this woman other than she was in “Dirty Dancing.” Knowing that and that alone, she’ll get the college dance major vote, the chick-flick vote and my wife’s vote.

David Hasselhoff
Aren’t we over this guy yet? How many career reinventions can we possibly give him before he reverts to 3 a.m. infomercials? Alas, he’ll still make it at least a few rounds deep and we’ll have to listen to him put “hoff” into words that clearly should not share connotation with this has-been (hoff-tastic? Really?). He’ll get the “wouldn’t it be funny if” vote, the drunk vote and the hilarious attempt at eating a burger while hammered vote.

Kyle Massey

I would have to refer to the better half of this blog for info about this Disney star, as he could punch me in the face right now and I would still not recognize him. He’ll get the kid vote, the “how cute” vote and the “trying so hard” vote. Yawn.

Brandy Norwood
Apparently she’s a singer-actress. Apparently she won’t go far unless she’s a great dancer. She’ll get the “I bought her record” vote… but that’ll probably be it.

Audrina Patridge

This chick is on “The Hills,” which means she probably won’t do too hot either. The MTV vote is already going to The Situation since that show’s hotter now, so Patridge may be doomed from the get-go. She’ll get the “I hate ‘Jersey Shore’” vote and the “I love ‘The Hills’” vote.

We’ll be missing you until you come back at 4 p.m. for The Ride.


  1. I like Edyta, but she's really nice so they usually give her the rejects - probably that Situation guy. Poor Edyta.

  2. My pick is Jennifer Grey. Because no one puts Baby in the corner.

  3. @Stacey - Is Edyta the dancer that kind of, sort of, possibly looks like a duck? If so, I like her. You know who creeps me out is the dancer guy who literally looks like a Ken doll... weird.

    @Mama - I'm upset that I didn't think of that. Kudos to you. :)